I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
