When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'm always down for nudity.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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