TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
