you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
