I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
