i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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