normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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