Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
