cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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