I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
