It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
