totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
