she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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