Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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