one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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