Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
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