I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
