I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
