woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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