I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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