My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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