Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
