new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
