My sheets look like a crime scene.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
