one two three fourrrrnication!
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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