If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
