All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
