I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
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