i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
