i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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