All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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