she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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