my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize