That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I am naked and annoyed.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
