and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
we're so committed to being not committed
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
