I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
