Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
