she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
