its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
