i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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