Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
