Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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