we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
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