we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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