I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
