Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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