guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm bleeding and have questions
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
