Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
