Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
