The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
