awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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