somebody snuck up and got me drunk
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
