I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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