who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
It's blow job season.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
