My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
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