Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
