I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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