my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
