I accidentally burped into my bong.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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