What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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