i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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