My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
i think my cat just said my name.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
