I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
