can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
