if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
