Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
